The three types of unhappiness (Part 3)

Continued from Part 2

* Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. Although informed by data and evidence, this blog is entirely my own opinion and nothing written here equates to health information or advice. If you want information or advice regarding your own or another’s health, please consult your health professional.

Trigger warning: on this page, I (briefly) discuss depression, trauma and addiction.

Natural unhappiness requires a frame of happiness grounded in reality and acceptance. But when the opposite occurs, and we base our idea of happiness on delusion and denial, this can give rise to the third and final type of unhappiness, which I call unnatural unhappiness. This comes from having a frame of happiness that is unrealistic, overambitious or unachievable. If I choose to frame happiness as the complete absence of worry or care, then I will probably be unhappy most of the time. If I choose to define happiness as always ‘feeling good’ and never having bad days, then I will never be happy.

The good news is that this type of unhappiness can be avoided, or at least minimised, if we can frame our happiness as something more realistic. Continuing with the example from the previous paragraph, I might choose instead to define my happiness as having more good days than bad days. Or, knowing that problems are inevitable and indeed necessary, I might frame my happiness in terms of possessing the skills and strategies to deal and cope with problems as they arise. This last example emphasises that happiness does not simply arise from thinking ourselves happy. As philosopher Edward Reed warns us, strong self-images by themselves cannot create positive change because ‘life choices demand real abilities and skills’. In other words, we feel better through action, not thinking.

Another important thing is not to compare our frames of happiness against other people’s and especially those standards we observe in the media and popular culture. According to the IPSOS Global Happiness Survey 2020, 77% of Australians consider themselves to be happy.* It’s no wonder we feel pressure to be happy all the time if everyone around us is, or at least they say they are. But how do we know how they’re measuring their own happiness? Or to what degree do they feel social pressure to report that they’re happy, even if they’re not? In fact, living in a ‘happy’ country may be bad for your mental health.

How we choose to define and manage our own frame of happiness will vary by individual and depends on our life history, personality and present circumstances. For example, a heavily traumatised person or someone who suffers from severe depression will likely have a more limited frame of happiness than someone who has a naturally positive outlook on life.

Similarly, prolonged substance use or a history of compulsive behaviour can rewire our brain’s ‘pleasure and reward’ circuits to the extent that we can only equate ‘feeling good’ with getting our next ‘hit’ of alcohol, nicotine, sex, food etc. In such cases, we might need to learn to move away from the idea that securing our happiness always depends on the activation of our dopamine system. Pursuing other life goals, for example, having a creative practice or helping others, might be more valuable than living a life built around maximising pleasure and minimising pain. Incidentally, service to others is a cornerstone of 12-step recovery programs.

I cannot tell you how to frame your own happiness nor would I want to. Only you can know that. But if there’s a common theme among the teachings of happiness, it would seem to be the importance of meaningful work and fulfilling relationships. I’ll have more to say about both these things in future posts.

Most, if not all, of us have the choice to frame, to claim our own life, no matter how heavy the bag of stones we carry. The admirable energies of this world await us. So why not give it a go?

* Globally, the figure is 63% - in a world where 30% of people don’t have access to basic sanitation and 70% live on less than US$10 a day. China is the happiest country surveyed with 93% of Chinese saying they are happy.